Enjoy online dating while improving your chances, according to a psychologist

As a clinical psychologist in the Washington, D.C., area who often works with busy young professionals, I hear lots of complaints about how tough it is to find a partner. Many of my clients turn to their phones or the Internet, believing it’s the best place to meet singles — not a surprising assumption, considering that

https://groups.google.com/g/single-girls-for-dating

18 percent of American adults have used an girls online dating app or website. But they continually express disappointment, frustration and hopelessness about the process. Only a few have found significant others online, even after months or years of trying.

Sharon Rosenblatt, 31, a director of communications in Connecticut, had an experience similar to those of my clients. “I used online dating for seven years,” she said. “Sometimes it was fun, but it was also very time-consuming and exhausting. It’s easy to get discouraged.”

Research backs up that conclusion. A 2013 study of online daters conducted by the Pew Research Center found that one-third never met anyone in person and three-quarters never forged a relationship. Other research showed that almost half of the messages on dating apps were never reciprocated and only 1.4 percent of app conversations led to a phone number exchange. So it’s not just you: Very few app exchanges result in a face-to-face meeting

How can you improve your chances of finding a partner online without burning out? Here are some strategies that could help, based on psychological science and my therapy work:

Figure out your motives for online dating and be honest about them

This may seem self-evident: Aren’t we all using online dating to find love, or maybe just a hookup? It turns out that the answer is much more complicated. Research suggests that people use dating apps to escape loneliness, anxiety or boredom. Others use them for entertainment, socializing, self-esteem enhancement, trendiness and excitement. And some people are just plain curious about who’s out there.

What are your reasons for using online dating? Are you in it to distract yourself from negative emotions, have fun or find a serious partner? The point of this clarification is not to judge yourself, but to be honest with yourself.

It is also important to be honest with others. You may fear that revealing your true intentions will limit your pool of potential matches or make you stand out from other online daters. But chances are that hiding your goals will leave you with unmet needs, mounting misunderstandings and little energy to keep trying.

“Once you are clear about what you want and what your expectations are, and you are brave enough to communicate them, you will have a much better chance of finding a partner,” said Adele D’Ari, a clinical psychologist who has treated individuals and couples in the Washington area for three decades. When Rosenblatt started being totally honest about what she wanted and valued, she told me, “I stopped wasting everyone’s time and opened a path to finding a partner.”

If you believe you’re ready to pursue a serious relationship, date with a purpose. Make sure that your photos are flattering but not too revealing and that your profile doesn’t contain grammatical mistakes. Send personalized messages rather than generic one-liners. And reply within a reasonable time — research suggests that playing hard to get doesn’t work.